In the comments of another website, I started writing an alternative speech that Obama might give in accepting this award. Perhaps if the teleprompters slipped and he started to accidentally speak the truth, then this is what he might say.
"Thank you for awarding me this prize. It took a lot of arm twisting by my representatives. Fortunately, since this is Sweden instead of the US, you can all go see a doctor to get those sore arms examined.
We in the Obama administration are proud that we've managed to keep the war in Iraq going and nearly all of our troops in that country despite opposition to our presence both in Iraq and at home. Many told us that the 70% of the American people who oppose the war in Iraq would be an impossible obstacle to overcome. After all, what democracy could follow a policy opposed by 70% of its people year after year and through election after election? But, we are proud to say that we've kept almost all of our troops in Iraq where they can kill people. And we plan to continue to do this.
We are proud that we've successfully escalated the war in Afghanistan. We've doubled the number of US troops in that country during my time in office. And of course, this means more bombings, more 'accidental' shootings and more innocent civilians dead. We again would like to thank the Nobel committee for honoring this achievement. Soon, we will have almost as many troops in Afghanistan as in Iraq. Is it too early now to start campaigning for next year's prize to honor that as well?
We appear to be successful in expanding this war into Pakistan. We've launched countless drone strikes in that supposedly sovereign country, and we've succeeded in killing many more innocent civilians. And we've also succeeded in strong arming the weak new leaders of Pakistan into starting a proxy civil war within their nation. Again, thanks for the applause. I can't tell you how much it means to us to have you standing and applauding our new ways of killing innocent civilians.
Our plans to start a new war in Iran are proceeding. This has been a difficult task for my staff, since we ran on a campaign of talking with Iran and diplomacy. So, its been difficult for my people to continue the same war-like course with Iran as my predecessor. But, I am proud to say that my staff has performed brilliantly. When I hear people say that they can't see any difference between SOS Rice and SOS Clinton, except of course in their hair styles, we take that as a compliment. There is still opposition, but hopefully we can get this war started in the next year. And, I hate to sound like I'm campaigning already to win this prize again next year, but I hope the Noble committee will see our coming success in starting another war and will reward us appropriately with yet another prize.
We've successfully continued the US policy of using coups to overturn elected governments that don't suit us. In fact, we've pledged to be more aggressive in this area. So far, we've attempted two new coups, with one complete success story as we've returned Honduras to the control of its military and wealthy elites. There was a dangerous outbreak of democracy in that country, and we are glad to see the Noble committee applauding our successful actions in stomping that out.
Of course, our coup attempt in Iran was not as successful. But we always knew that it would be tough to convince a nation that it only a few decades past their own revolution of independence to give up that independence and to once again become a subservient client state. We were successful in causing some violence in the street, and in causing some innocent people to die. We aren't sure how close the Noble Peace Prize vote was, but if these extra deaths we caused in Iran were enough to put us over the top, then we'd like to thank the Nobel committee for paying close attention.
And of course, there is one thing that we are extremely proud of inside the White House. Not one single official from the Bush/Cheney era has been prosecuted for their crimes. Those who tortured, those who illegally kidnapped others, those who started illegal wars that have killed hundreds of thousands if not millions of innocent civilians, all have been safe from prosecution or from even serious investigation. This has not been easy, as many American citizens still hold the belief that even those who hold great power should be prosecuted for their crimes. But we are so very, very proud to have made certain that this does not happen.
Some have said that the reason we received this award was because of our stand on nuclear weapons. Its nice to see how a speech saying we'll do something on which we'll never follow through can have such an impact. Trust me to say that we promise years of slow and fruitless negotiations with the Russians on reducing nuclear weapons. They are busy negotiating the number of flags that shall be in the negotiating room even as we speak. Of course, these negotiations will never affect American nuclear dominance over the world, which we have no intention of releasing. But, perhaps as a part of my campaign for next year's Noble prize I might give another nice speech on the topic.
Peace at home is of course difficult to obtain when we are following policies of war and economic destruction to which most of our citizens object. Our citizens don't quite seem to understand that its necessary to give all of their tax money to the Wall Street bankers. They object for some reason that maybe we should spend that money instead on creating jobs for them. What a novel concept. Unfortunately, some or our citizens who object to this actually try to go into the streets and protest. Thankfully, the US has tens of thousands of well trained storm troopers to crush any domestic dissent, and they have done their job well. I don't think any of the world's leaders who joined me in Pittsburgh had their caviar and champagne even slightly interrupted. Thanks again to those storm troopers for busting the heads and making that possible. And thanks again for the Nobel committee recognizing with this award the contribution that our head-busting storm troopers have made towards world peace by attacking protesters who are calling for peace.
Well, I can see my time for this address is running out. I'd love to be able to push my campaign for next year's peace prize by talking about all the people who are going to die and suffer because of the 'health care reform' act that we are currently working. We promise that even more money will go to helping the profits of big health care, insurance and pharmaceutical companies. Again, thank your for the prize. Thanks again to my staff who worked so hard breaking arms to get me this prize. And I hope to be back next year to help celebrate more wars and more greater misery I intend to inflict upon the world to make our rich elites even richer still."